Overwhelmed. That feeling you get when it feels like the air is pushing down on you, crushing you, and it's an effort to keep you head held high. And high is how you must keep it, otherwise they will know. Know that you are petrified that at any second it will all come crashing down. The life that you cherish with the people that you love, in the home that you have tried to make into a sanctuary, a safe haven.
Every day, you wonder if today will be the day when you crack. When you drop the balls that you have been struggling to keep in the air. As you open your eyes, still damp from the tears that send you to sleep night after night, you silently pray that this morning will be different. This morning you won't have to coax, cajole, beg, plead, scream, shout, cry and curse. That you won't be left feeling demeaned, humiliated, deflated, defeated, hopeless, helpless, when, yet again, you fail. You can feel your ever hardening heart filling with anger, resentment, bitterness when all it wants to feel is love and compassion. You remind yourself that it is not intentional. But that doesn't make the pain any less real, and the pain is all consuming. It is exhausting. It sends your mind to an unfamiliar place. A place where the sound of your children's voices make you recoil in fear, makes your fight or flight response kick in as you know that at any moment the tears will start and you can't bear for them to see. A place where you wish you were invisible so you could crumble in peace. A place where solitude is all you crave. And sleep. Uninterrupted and dreamless sleep. Oblivion.
You're driving, and you catch yourself drifting across the the lane into oncoming traffic, you haven't been concentrating as your mind is still in that unfamiliar place, and for a nanosecond you contemplate staying there, how quickly the pain could be over. And as quickly as the thought crosses you mind, you realise how wrong it is, and suddenly you can't breathe. You have to pull over as your vision is blurred with tears as you cannot believe what has just happened. You realise that you are allowing the disease of another permeate your psyche. Muddy your waters, comprimise everything you hold dear. And you are left wondering if you have been worrying about the wrong person. Putting your efforts into the wrong cause. If in fact it is you that needs help. That you have been so obsessed with the depression of another that is has snuck up and bit you on the ass and you hadn't even noticed.
Overwhelmed. That feeling you get when it feels like the air is pushing down on you, crushing you, and it's an effort to keep you head held high. And high is how you must keep it, otherwise they will know. Know that you are petrified that at any second it will all come crashing down. The life that you cherish with the people that you love, in the home that you have tried to make into a sanctuary, a safe haven.
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